My journey

Deciding to become a parent

Deciding for me in general is a very hard task. I find myself often trapped between the spider web of my own thoughts and the discomfort of my emotions and I usually remain paralyzed in my decision making process. Some decisions are easier than others, and since I’m an action oriented person, I bring myself to make quick decisions whether I like it or not. So far, I’m pretty happy with the decisions that I’ve made in my life, but there is one which gravitates for years around my busy mind.

The decision of bringing a child into this world seems to me one of the toughest decisions to make. It is frustrating and at the same time encouraging to see so many people make that decision with so much legerity. I am surrounded by wonderful mothers that had no second thoughts about having their baby. No doubt in mind, no second questioning, no nothing. It came naturally, it was expected and they are happy. And here I am, on that other side of the bridge, beating myself up every day about the if, when and why.

My book shelf is full of baby books, when I open my drawers I find post-its with baby names, in the basement I have a box full of baby clothes and toys from a dear friend, I’m following parenting blogs and I’ve interrogated every mom I know about the entire process of conception to the present day. Mentally, I feel 9 months pregnant, but my womb remains uninhabited…

Living in a world where we have more time to think about our choices, the impact that they have, the reasoning behind them, I find it hard to find the real reason why I want or should have a baby. Is my need of wanting a baby evolutionary inheritance or social conditioning? Am I having a baby for me or for him or her? And if it’s for him or her, how do I know they want this? How can I make a decision on someone else life? Does this overpopulated world need another baby? Shouldn’t I help a baby that has no parents? If I adopt, for what reasons am I actually doing it? Is it normal that I have so many questions? Why is it so easy for others and so hard for me to decide? Is this an indication of something?

Unfortunately, people don’t talk much about their decision struggles, their fears and how they came to embrace the thought of parenting. Is it something natural or does it involve heavy thinking? For all the heavy thinkers out there, I coming to you with a question. How easy was it for you to choose or not to choose to have a family? Is it an easy decision to make? Are there any second thoughts in the process? What is your experience with this?

While I’m still making up my mind and allowing myself to grow emotionally, I keep writing letters to my future child. You probably already read one of them HERE, but here is another one that I’d like to share. As you already know by now, writing liberates my mind and soul and it brings peace to my inner being.

shawnend

Dear baby,

It’s me again. I’m writing to tell you how sorry I am not to be able to meet you sooner. You are so present in my mind, my body, my life and daily planning, but unfortunately you are not yet here in shape and form. I’m sorry that I can’t decide to have you yet and I’m sorry that I’m not able for the moment to provide you with arms to hold you and my warm bosom. I think about you all the time and maybe that’s why I can’t have you yet. I think about your physical and emotional needs, I think about how much you will need to feel safe, loved and fully welcome. I think about how much you will need me to be calm and at ease with myself, so that you feel safe and sound into this brand new world. I know how much I still need to grow so that my influence on you is mostly positive.

I know how badly you want to be born and that you get that eagerness and excitement from me… But as much I want it too, so that we can play and laugh together, I learned how critical it can be sometimes to hurry into something which you’re not yet ready for. No matter how badly we want it and we know it is right, some hasty decisions can do more harm than good. We both have to wait for each other’s sake and for the sake of our relationship.

Your mother is still lost in this big complicated world and she wants to feel safer and at ease with her life and her place in it before you come into her life. I know that the moment you will come, you will be the center of my universe and I will want to give you all my love, attention and time, without any frustration, constraint or regret. I want to fully embrace you in my life without any hesitation, without any doubt and fear. I want you to come in a good moment and time where I’m all yours.

Can you promise that you can wait that long? Can you not give up on me? Can you stay around while I figure things out? Can you wait for me? It’s so hard for me to give up the thought of you when I love you so much already without even knowing you. But I love you so much, that I don’t want to hurt you in any way. I want to receive you at the right time with an open heart and spirit and embrace you with all the good and difficulties, without EVER doubting that I could have waited for a better time.

I love you and I will miss you every day that will keep us apart…

Art credits: Anamaria Olaru

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