My journey, Self Development

Deconstructing for change

Change is probably the most important thing in my life. Without change there is no hope. All the struggles are worth it if you know that a change is waiting at the end of the long, dark tunnel. So, it’s no surprise that when I’m unhappy, when I feel like I’m heading towards a dead end, the only thing that stands in my power is to make a change.

Change is such a powerful tool because it puts you in control and it gives you the confidence and power that you can make it better or at least different. It also seems like a quick-fix to problems that affect your everyday life. When I stopped liking a job, I looked for another one, when I stopped liking the country I lived in, I made it possible to move to another one, when I felt any discomfort, I usually found a solution to turn things around and make a change for the better.

However, there is one change and the most powerful of all, which is probably the hardest one to achieve. And that is changing yourself. No matter how much I managed to change everything in my life, the one thing that lingers like a moon orbiting the Earth, is the power to change myself.

The one thing that is so difficult to except about changing myself is that it takes time. I always expect changes to be done quickly and to see progress and improvement as soon as possible. But that proves to be impossible when it comes to changing myself. And it’s not because I don’t try, but because changing oneself is a process of deconstruction and reconstruction. And that’s what take so much time!

It’s exactly this thought that hit me one day. Currently, I’m not even in the phase of constructing my new self, but only in the process of deconstruction. Instead of laying down bricks, I am now in the process of tearing down what was built up to this point. I am ripping away bit by bit the old, the ugly, and the built in mechanisms, the walls and the wires. Everything that I am today is a reaction to the past. I am still caring old malformations carefully assembled to protect myself from concerns that no longer exist. Yet, they are still there. I am in the process of taking down an old house that no longer fits today’s scenario and that doesn’t serve my current needs.

With every brick that I brake, I need to find a replacement. Sometimes, I find a new and good functioning brick. Sometimes, just a patch that will temporarily replace that hole. Sometimes, nothing at all… Sometimes, I leave a blank because I don’t know how to fill it in. When you’re in the process of deconstruction, you don’t always have a solution to how you can fix things. The structure remains fragile, a work in progress, with the risk of crumbling here and there when the foundation is not strong enough. But as it’s a work in progress, there is that hope that change is happening, that something is being done, that something is being replaced. Maybe for the better or for the worse. But something is changing!

It’s always harder to change when your puzzle was put together the wrong way. You have to rethink the entire concept, the entire process, where it’s safer to start and with what pieces you can fill it in. Not an easy task, or at least not a fast one to accomplish. Realizing all of this, I understood why this change is bound to take so much time. And with this realization came acceptance. Changing yourself takes time and it’s alright to bang your head against the same wall, to feel empty during the process and as if you’re not heading anywhere. It’s hard to see progress when you’ve just torn down a wall and replaced it with your first brick. But, it’s the first step towards becoming someone that you’ve built with your own hands, with your new set of values, with your new thinking and experiences. It is a construction that is not based on the past, but on the present and future. A construction that might take a lifetime and sometimes even another deconstruction. You never know. But accepting that this change is a long-term one is already a step in the right direction! So, if any of you out there are in the process of rebuilding yourselves, please don’t get discouraged. You are already so brave and strong for wanting to do the greatest change of all!

Photo credits: Anamaria Olaru

Sculpture by: Anamaria Olaru


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