Emotional investment and loss
“Never invest more than you can afford to lose”
Those of us who haven’t had enough love when we were younger and who longed for more emotionally nurturing parents always have the tendency to give more in relationships. This is maybe because we always had the impression that we had to work hard to receive love and we had to make ourselves as lovable as possible in order to get half of what we actually needed.
I always believed that I’m not worth someone’s love and that I don’t deserve it. So, I walked around with my heart on the sleeve, looking for anyone who was willing to give me at least half of what I actually needed. I always knew to settle for less, to be satisfied with just a little bit of attention and love. And in return, I gave it all. I gave all my time, attention, trust and heart. The moment that I chose to be in a relationship of any kind, my heart no longer belonged to me. It was put on the hands of the other person, hoping so dearly that they would protect it, love it and never let it go.
So, in order to keep these relationships, I put blindfolds on, I threw myself recklessly in the water storm of emotions without knowing how to swim, and I took emotional risks with anyone that barely seemed interested in me. I was so quick to forgive, so quick to repress my anger and lack of satisfaction, so quick of letting go of my own needs and emotions.
And I repeated time and time again my life time story, proving to myself again and again that everyone takes advantage of me, that nobody cares and that unless I gave and gave and gave, nobody was willing to stand by my side.
But not long ago, I’ve decided that this shouldn’t be my life time story. That I cannot keep repeating the past and proving myself time and time again that I don’t deserve more. That it is only up to me to change my story, to take care of myself and my heart and that I’m the one to blame for letting things go on as they have. I reached a point where I felt the need to put a period at the end of this ongoing story, and start a new chapter. After being hurt time and time again, I realized that nobody can love me and protect me more than I can. I realized that I should never invest emotionally more than I can afford to lose. And since I always give my all in a relationship, I was always losing myself. And I am telling you, there is nothing harder than having to rebuild and patch yourself up every time you realize that all that love and time invested was not even worth it.
So, I stand here today, vulnerable, fragile, but full of hope, and say with a loud voice: I chose to keep my heart in my own chest and radiate love and respect without giving it away. I chose to protect myself and my heart and I will only give as much as I am given back. Therefore, this new chapter in my life story will be entitled “Loving myself first”.
Photo Credits: Andrei Ciufu
Photo featuring myself, in a position that makes me feel safe and protected from the exterior. A position similar to that a fetus in a mother’s womb, a position that represents inner reflection and turning towards my inner self.
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