My journey

Personalized love

Before writing this post, I typed in the words “personalized love” in Google just to see what has been written so far in regards to this topic. All I got were different ideas about personalized love gifts and cards. I didn’t find one single article about what personalized love might mean.

So, where did this idea of personalized love come from? Having longed for a particular type of love all my life and never feeling completely embraced by those around me, I developed a special need to be loved. Until my early adulthood, nobody managed to fulfill my need of love. Nobody managed to crack that surface, to dig deep and find out what I really needed to feel loved. Nobody got passed my barriers, nobody gained my complete trust and nobody detected the meaning behind my defense mechanisms. I always managed to make people believe that I am too innocent and naïve to see and understand their dirty tricks and bad intentions. Nobody got passed my inviting smile, my constant acceptance and flexibility, my constant forgiveness and positive reply. Nobody searched to find out if there is more behind my mask. Nobody wanted to know the truth about who I really was and what I really needed. My kind and happy mask was too luring, too inviting and too nurturing to want to know the other side. People stopped at that and never wanted to go deeper. They never wondered if there was something more behind that thick layer of softness.

This defense mechanism which I developed due to lack of trust and safety in my childhood, turned out to be a useful one. It helped me see who people really were. It gave me a sense of control and safety that I knew who they were, but they didn’t know who I was. I saw how much they could take and take and take without ever thinking of giving back. I saw how comfortable they were hurting someone that was never able to say “Stop” or “No”. I saw how far they could go in hurting someone who would give it all.

And so I proved myself again and again that nobody was ready to see my true, inner side. If they would hurt the good side, then how could they handle the dark side? So, I kept a side of me only to myself, in the dark, for nobody to see. I kept it so well hidden, that sometimes even I forgot what and who I was really hiding. But it gave me a sense of privacy, safety and truth which I didn’t have the chance to experience before.

And then… without any warning, without any sign, my husband walked into my life. I was not prepared for the storm to come, I was not prepared to be vulnerable, I was not ready to accept that someone could see beyond all the barricades that I had raised and assembled with care for so many years. I was not prepared for my fortress to be taken by storm and to be invaded from behind without any warning. I wasn’t prepared to feel loved, I wasn’t prepared for someone to embrace and caress that ugly inner side which I kept away from the world for so long. I wasn’t prepared for him to reveal what had been hidden in me for so long, I wasn’t ready to face me, all of me. I wasn’t ready to love with an open heart without fearing the worst, I wasn’t ready to trust without being scared.

And yet, even though no part of me was ready to face this storm, it came. I battled against it, used all my defenses to prove myself that it wasn’t real, but everything was in vain. In the end, he won… He won me, my love, my trust and my 100% true self. I often sit and wonder how he managed to get so deep inside that cave, so dark and narrow, and so well hidden from the world. How he found the way, when even I had lost the map to it… And that’s when it hit me… With personalized love. He didn’t just love me, he loved me like I needed to be loved. He showed me his love in the way I needed to be shown. Not with flowers, not with gestures, not with sweet words. He loved me differently than anyone else before. He loved me like a parent, he loved me like a sister, he loved me like a friend, he loved me like a lover, he loved me with patience, he loved me with forgiveness, he loved me without labels, he loved me over and over and over and over again, he loved me without fear, he loved me sincerely, he loved me, all of me… His personalized love for me made him the first person to trespass into my inner self, the first and only person who knows me better than I know myself. I am so grateful to have found a love that matches my heartprint. It’s one, but it’s real.

And you? Have you found your personalized love? Do you have a person in your life which loves you exactly like you need to be loved? Not more, not less, just simply perfect? A personalized love can come from parents, friends, lovers, pets and so on! Open your mind and embrace it no matter where it comes from!

Artist credits: Anamaria Olaru

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